Smoke 

You said you hate it when my mouth tastes like cigarettes, how you can taste the ashes in my mouth as if you’re licking an ashtray. I smoked a pack after you left, and watch our memories fade away in each puff of smoke. You told me to stop back then, when you were still there to nit pick at my bad habits, told me that it’s like watching me waste away at 11 seconds per stick.

I was planning to stop, really, but then you left and I ended up counting down my life at 11 second increments. Nicotine helps calm down the mind you see, at least at the end of this pack I will be calm enough to stop blaming myself. Or maybe, at least in the back of my mind I know I’m pissing you off, a small rebellion of some sort, or maybe I’m wishing you’d be back to stop me.

It has been a while since I last posted something about my job. I mean, not that anyone is interested in my day to day life or anything, I don’t know. 

So a lot had happened (obviously), I was transferred to a different ward- a more benign ward, but the thing is due to understaffing I am always floated to another ward, which is annoying and frustrating at the same time. For one, I am not familiar with the patients, which frustrates me because I can’t answer their questions, also some cases aren’t familiar to me. I know it’s good experience wise and all, but getting disoriented every single day is annoying. The staff from other wards are nice, they do thank me for my contributions and stuff, but it’s kind of frustrating because I don’t even know if I really helped at all because I don’t even know what I’m doing half the time. 

Sometimes I feel stupid. Though I know they don’t expect me to know everything because I am relatively new at this job (not even a year), and the ward I came from is only focused on one disease. I mean in my previous ward,I already know the ins and outs, but here, especially being floated to  other wards, I feel like I’m a fucking orientee, and I hate that. 

Am I happy with my job right now? No,not really. It’s frustrating really. 

Anyway, I applied for a nursing job abroad in some agency. The interview is on March. I’m also reviewing for the English exam required for  that.

Wish me luck, I guess. 

After the storm

I thought that I was the storm who’s going to dissipate into thin air, leaving you with a trail of splintered memories and a flood of tears to clean up. I thought I’m the one who’s going to watch you rebuild yourself after I wrecked your peace with my presence.

was too presumptuous, too arrogant, too confident with  my sway over you. 

I  forgot about the sun. I forgot about the possibility of you chasing after the sun. I denied the possibility that maybe you’re the one who’s going to leave me all splintered and flooded.

Now you’re just a name on my list of storms. 

22

I turned 22 last Tuesday, nothing special. I didn’t even tell anyone at work. I don’t know, for me it’s just a regular day. I did try to be excited about it but nothing.

It’s my 5th month on the job, I’m tolerating it, I guess. I still think nursing is not my thing. The whole soothe your patients, take care of them gig, not really my forte. 

Patients die on my shift and I ceased feeling  anything, just blank apathy, and relief because it’s one less patient to mind. Maybe because it’s a really common thing  our ward that I got used to it. I don’t know. 

I just don’t feel anything right now. So much for 22  

Can’t sleep

My sleeping pattern is so fucked up lately; night shift does that to you. Nothing exciting lately, or maybe nothing is exciting me nowadays. I don’t know, I kind of don’t feel anything much at all. I did buy a new stove, that made me a bit happy, I guess? 

I do have a crush. I know, I know, it sounds childish and all that but I really fancy someone. I tried chatting him up, and nothing. I’m freakishly awkward when it comes to  those things. I am actually questioning my feelings, if I do really like him or I’m just bored and want to feel something. 

I’m sorry this post is not making any sense whatsoever. I really just can’t sleep. 

May

This month is my 3rd consecutive morning shift and I am so happy that it’s almost over.  A lot has happened this month; there was that day when 3 patients died in a span of two hours, that day when I drove down hill on a zig zag road, in the dark, in the middle of a thunderstorm, and that mother’s day when our car battery died when we’re just going home from dinner. And also that day when my phone screen cracked.

Fun month all in all.

I did get my first salary though, so that is really something. I am sort of enjoying my job, although I want to strangle some people because they’re so annoyingly demanding. I mean I know it’s my job to cater to the patient’s health needs, but there are things that are beyond my means, like getting blood from thin air and immediately transfusing it to the patient without prior screening or processing. I know they are frantic but they don’t have to order me around like I’m a bloody maid.

Hell week

After six days of working, I finally had two days to myself, which is spent driving my aunt to the hospital for a check up. Not that I’m complaining. She sort of shattered her femoral head so she needs to undergo total hip replacement, hence the check up. 

I got back from work hours ago. Today’s duty was not toxic but I still feel ridiculously tired. I’m just lying in bed, reading historical romances.

Enough of the boring non clinical crap.

I have learned a lot from my six day duty stint,or as I lovingly call it, hell week, and these are:
1. I hate mornings, rather, I hate waking up at four bloody am just so I can catch the freaking train. I would rather not sleep, really. 
2. It’s possible for me to not eat for a whole day, which is not advisable since I’m in a ward full of tuberculosis patients.

3. I’m deathly scared of my immune system failing me. Who wouldn’t? I don’t  want to die from consumption. This is not the bloody (heh, bloody, get it?) victorian era (or whatever era dying from TB is most common).

4. Some doctors are rude. Why can’t they comprehend that nurses are part of the medical team and not merely their minions? Seriously, hospitals will collapse without nurses. We do everything. Everything. Dear doctors, being kind to nurses wouldn’t hurt, we probably know more about the patient than you do.

5. Having top notch nurses means little if the supplies and medicines are limited. It does develop resourcefulness among the staff but still, lack of supplies leads to sort of abysmal healthcare.

6. Blood means nothing. People can leave their relatives to die alone.

7. Some patients are rude. It’s not proper to remind them that you’re (sort of)  partially paying for their healthcare because they’re in a government hospital, and that you pay the taxes that fund the hospital, and that they don’t because they don’t have any income. It’s condescending, I know but a little thank you would be nice.

In addition to that, there’s this one patient who sort of accused me of using the supplies that were meant for them, it pissed me off because I bought that fucking plaster, with my own fucking money.

If there is a god, I hope he’ll give me enough patience for this career.