Smoke 

You said you hate it when my mouth tastes like cigarettes, how you can taste the ashes in my mouth as if you’re licking an ashtray. I smoked a pack after you left, and watch our memories fade away in each puff of smoke. You told me to stop back then, when you were still there to nit pick at my bad habits, told me that it’s like watching me waste away at 11 seconds per stick.

I was planning to stop, really, but then you left and I ended up counting down my life at 11 second increments. Nicotine helps calm down the mind you see, at least at the end of this pack I will be calm enough to stop blaming myself. Or maybe, at least in the back of my mind I know I’m pissing you off, a small rebellion of some sort, or maybe I’m wishing you’d be back to stop me.

After the storm

I thought that I was the storm who’s going to dissipate into thin air, leaving you with a trail of splintered memories and a flood of tears to clean up. I thought I’m the one who’s going to watch you rebuild yourself after I wrecked your peace with my presence.

was too presumptuous, too arrogant, too confident with  my sway over you. 

I  forgot about the sun. I forgot about the possibility of you chasing after the sun. I denied the possibility that maybe you’re the one who’s going to leave me all splintered and flooded.

Now you’re just a name on my list of storms. 

May

This month is my 3rd consecutive morning shift and I am so happy that it’s almost over.  A lot has happened this month; there was that day when 3 patients died in a span of two hours, that day when I drove down hill on a zig zag road, in the dark, in the middle of a thunderstorm, and that mother’s day when our car battery died when we’re just going home from dinner. And also that day when my phone screen cracked.

Fun month all in all.

I did get my first salary though, so that is really something. I am sort of enjoying my job, although I want to strangle some people because they’re so annoyingly demanding. I mean I know it’s my job to cater to the patient’s health needs, but there are things that are beyond my means, like getting blood from thin air and immediately transfusing it to the patient without prior screening or processing. I know they are frantic but they don’t have to order me around like I’m a bloody maid.

Hell week

After six days of working, I finally had two days to myself, which is spent driving my aunt to the hospital for a check up. Not that I’m complaining. She sort of shattered her femoral head so she needs to undergo total hip replacement, hence the check up. 

I got back from work hours ago. Today’s duty was not toxic but I still feel ridiculously tired. I’m just lying in bed, reading historical romances.

Enough of the boring non clinical crap.

I have learned a lot from my six day duty stint,or as I lovingly call it, hell week, and these are:
1. I hate mornings, rather, I hate waking up at four bloody am just so I can catch the freaking train. I would rather not sleep, really. 
2. It’s possible for me to not eat for a whole day, which is not advisable since I’m in a ward full of tuberculosis patients.

3. I’m deathly scared of my immune system failing me. Who wouldn’t? I don’t  want to die from consumption. This is not the bloody (heh, bloody, get it?) victorian era (or whatever era dying from TB is most common).

4. Some doctors are rude. Why can’t they comprehend that nurses are part of the medical team and not merely their minions? Seriously, hospitals will collapse without nurses. We do everything. Everything. Dear doctors, being kind to nurses wouldn’t hurt, we probably know more about the patient than you do.

5. Having top notch nurses means little if the supplies and medicines are limited. It does develop resourcefulness among the staff but still, lack of supplies leads to sort of abysmal healthcare.

6. Blood means nothing. People can leave their relatives to die alone.

7. Some patients are rude. It’s not proper to remind them that you’re (sort of)  partially paying for their healthcare because they’re in a government hospital, and that you pay the taxes that fund the hospital, and that they don’t because they don’t have any income. It’s condescending, I know but a little thank you would be nice.

In addition to that, there’s this one patient who sort of accused me of using the supplies that were meant for them, it pissed me off because I bought that fucking plaster, with my own fucking money.

If there is a god, I hope he’ll give me enough patience for this career. 

2nd week

Things have been going smoothly so far. Except that day when the train stopped working and I was late for 30 minutes. So far the only thing I hate about this job is the daily commute. It is way farther compared to my previous work, but my old university is nearby so it’s the same commute I took in college, which entails passing through a circle of hell (a rotunda), or being crushed and suffocated in an overcrowded train.

We’ve been in the pediatric ICU this week, and I don’t like it one bit. Mostly because I don’t like seeing children suffering because it looks so unnatural, more unnatural than adults, they look so fragile and so helpless, and to make  things worse they can’t speak for themselves yet, they rely heavily on their primary caregiver. The thing is, sometimes their primary caregivers are neglectful, annoying, *insert cuss word here*. I mean, for Christ’s sake, the kid would have fared better if they took better care of him/her, or better yet the kid wouldn’t have gotten worse in the first place if they consulted a doctor and adhered to the treatment. And they don’t have the right to say that they can’t afford it because the treatment for that disease is free at health centers.

Sorry for the rant, but you see, the kid died this morning.

Anyway, second reason why I don’t like pediatrics is that kids hate me.  Seriously. One kid from the supermarket slapped my leg because i was looking at her.  And the kid I’m handling today was crying when I was taking his blood pressure. My niece also cries when she sees me. 

Day 33

Yesterday was my last day of training. It was uneventful, thank god.  I feel sad about leaving but the giddiness from the prospect of getting paid outweighs that.  My seniors are happy about that too.

I will be officially employed starting March 1. I will be updating from time to time, I guess. Wish me luck.

P. S.  I have a crush on one of my seniors (I sound like a 4th grader) but we won’t see each other again, I guess.  I could wax on about why I like him but that would be boring.

Day 32

Good news! Good news!  I will start working on March! Pardon the abuse of the exclamation mark but I am excited. I know I am not a huge fan of this whole clinical, medical nursing gig but I am going to be paid.  I’m going to have a decent salary.  Finally feel like a fucking adult. 

I will miss my colleagues in my current hospital but this is a very good opportunity for me. I mean, I can save money to go abroad and all that.  My seniors are also planning to go abroad, so we won’t really stay there for long.

Wish me luck.