Day 19

I’m on night shift today. Was on night shift, rather, I just got home. My sleeping pattern got messed up again, but it’s okay since I would be on graveyard shift next month so I have this time to adjust my sleeping schedule and stuff.

Last night has been good, no level 4 patients, I managed to start an IV (one shot), and I did not fuck up my IVs. And also I got to nap a little, sleeping on the job is not really something you brag about, but hey I have needs.

My mood has been stable as of late, no deep melancholia or cutting self blame. I feel, not exactly happy, but something less warmer than that. I mean, I am still not into this career but my colleagues make it bearable for me, also my patients are nice, so they make this whole nursing gig better.

That is it for now, I guess, I need to sleep.

Day 18

I sometimes have this thought, this idea that everybody hates me. I know it is absurd because I haven’t done anything that is worthy of hatred, and I try to be affable. But sometimes the idea takes root and grows, I try to cut it, pull it, again and again but like a weed it comes back again, and again, and again.

I know this is probably just me projecting my feelings of self hate to others. This usually follows my constant feelings of inadequacy. I am not really aiming to be the best but I try to do my job efficiently. But as always I always feel like I fell short, like I am always almost good, like I am one step away from perfect.

I know it is absurd,  I can never be perfect because there is always room for improvement. I know it is absurd because I am a novice, and no one is expecting me to know all the tricks of the trade. I know it is absurd because I am young and inexperienced, and no one is expecting me to be as wise as those who are in this trade longer than I am.

But it’s hard to run away from your own mind. It’s hard to ignore your mind screaming how inadequate and incompetent you are. It’s hard to simultaneously mind and not mind whether people hate you or not.

To be honest though, you don’t mind if people hate you, as long as you don’t like them back.

Day 17

I am off duty today. This week has been good since we don’t have level 4 patients. Well, there was one but they were dropped. And the one classified as seriously ill (level 4) has been recovering steadily, I hope it continues.

I feel sort of okay this week, no intrusive thoughts of me crashing the car, or hanging from the ceiling (except that one time). I don’t feel ecstatic but I don’t feel as depressed as I did the last week. I guess that is a good thing.

Still thinking of changing careers. As always.

Day 16

I have not posted anything as of late. I can’t think of anything to write. I don’t feel like writing, to be honest. I actually don’t feel like doing anything.

I had two days off, well three counting today, but I had work yesterday. I managed to talk to a friend about my situation, and I feel better. Sort of.

I have work tomorrow. I hope everything is well.

Dark Clouds

It never really goes away, you know, that heavy weight on your shoulder, that dark cloud that hangs over your head that seems to follow you everywhere. You can feel their presence, only you can feel their presence, actually.

You want to scream at people to look at the cloud, to cut the phantom rope around your neck, but you can’t. So you give them your megawatt smile instead, throw witty assurances their way so they won’t suspect that anything is wrong with you. God forbid if they find out that you’re not right in the head. You are, after all, a calm, collected, reliable adult.

So you try to silence the nagging thoughts in your head that tells you that you are nothing but an insignificant speck on this universe. You try to quell the repeating visions of your death —it varies, sometimes a horrid car crash, sometimes a quiet peaceful death. You also tell yourself that the caresses of blade you feel on your wrist where your old scars are is just a  phantom thing from your past, like a pain from a missing limb.

So you just scream internally. Keep it all bubbling inside, waiting for the cathartic moment where you will (hopefully) be free from the dark clouds and phantom ropes. But you doubt if it will come, of if catharsis would equal to eternal rest.

There are good days though, it is not as sunny as other people’s good days, but it is warm enough. Probably more tepid than warm, but it is a vast improvement from the constant chill in your bones, the nagging weight on your shoulder, and the dark ominous cloud overhead.

Those days you cherish. There is only so much sunshine that your dark cloud can allow you. It’s not that you refuse to fight it and actively seek sunshine from somewhere else, it just hangs there, out from your reach yet near enough to block the sun.

Those good days are the only thing that keeps you afloat during the worst. A silver lining, if you may. So while waiting for it, you just keep on swimming.

Day 15

Today, my favorite patient died.

It’s probably the worst way to start a story. But he did die, and it was inevitable. I accepted from the get go that he would eventually perish, but I never imagined it on my shift, after my day off. He could have died anytime during my off day, but he didn’t. Not that I’m saying it is something of significance, but I would probably be more okay if I did not see it. But I did, and I feel sad.

I liked his family, especially his wife. I have never talked to the patient himself but from how his family is towards him, it is safe to assume that he was an awesome person before he got sick.

My head ached throughout the day, hell it’s even throbbing a bit right now. I will probably sleep now.

At least I managed to say goodbye to his family.

Day 14

A patient died yesterday. I am oddly okay about it, which is good, you know, in the grand scheme of things but that day I felt disconnected from myself, like I was watching a different version of myself who is nonchalant about that death, like it will just be another number or a name or a statistic.

I was monitoring him closely. I know the patient is going to die sooner or later, it was inevitable. I don’t blame myself anymore for things beyond my control. I used to do that —even the most remote, irrelevant thing I somehow blame it on myself, as if my own existence is at fault for such tragedy.

I will be on night duty today, so yeah. Need to get ready and stuff.