I started working last week. We’re still being oriented on the hospital regulations and procedures, boring stuff. I’m bored, so far. I don’t have friends yet.

I also realized that, that hospital’s specialty is my waterloo. So I have to read on it, like really study it because we have this certification program (which is sort of mandatory) where we need to know at least 18 or so diseases. So, wish me luck.

I visited my old workplace, it was fun. My separation anxiety is acting up again. 

Day 33

Yesterday was my last day of training. It was uneventful, thank god.  I feel sad about leaving but the giddiness from the prospect of getting paid outweighs that.  My seniors are happy about that too.

I will be officially employed starting March 1. I will be updating from time to time, I guess. Wish me luck.

P. S.  I have a crush on one of my seniors (I sound like a 4th grader) but we won’t see each other again, I guess.  I could wax on about why I like him but that would be boring.

Day 31

Mood’s gradually turning sour. I’m restless as of late, maybe because I am not sure what I want to do after this training. I’m still waiting for the other hospital to call me, and the offer to enter the military is still there—and I still want to, but my mom won’t let me. I don’t know what to do.

The only thing I’m sure of is, that I don’t want to be a nurse anymore. I’m not cut for this job. It’s draining me. I  know that any type of job is tiring, but even more so of you’re trying so hard to suppress emotions and memories.

I want to quit so bad.

Day 30

I only have two months left in this OJT gig, and I’m sort of excited and anxious at the same time. I don’t know when I’ll be hired at that other hospital, so I don’t know if I’ll have a vacation or something. I want to have a vacation to be honest, at least for 2 weeks.

My mood has been okay as of late. I still have moments where I remember times from when my father was hospitalized but I am getting better at suppressing emotions. You need to keep your head during emergencies, especially because emotions are running high among the relatives. You can’t really cry with them because they need to see someone who they can rely on. 

I have one co-trainee, she’s nice but sometimes she’s not thinking. We have a patient whose son is cute (he’s 10) she wanted to have a photo with him so we can show it to our other colleagues. Nothing wrong with that, only problem was, his dad got intubated. There was also one instance when we were checking a patient and she told me (she thought she was whispering) that the patient looked bad, dying, problem was the relatives are around us. I told her off, I felt bad about it but she deserves it. 

Day 29

Mood has been stable lately,  but my fear of blood and needles has resurfaced.  Maybe because it’s almost my dad’s birthday, so I remember things from before: the constant bleeding, the stench of old blood, the smell of dialysate, etc. 

I am happy as of late, and it scares me. I am scared that one day I just won’t feel happy anymore, that everything will fall apart and I would be left as empty as I was before.

Day 27

I’m tired of being the perfect, dutiful daughter. I’m tired of losing myself just to please my family.  I’m tired of it all.

I feel like I don’t know myself anymore. I feel like I should run away from my family just so I can find myself.

I’m tired but I can’t do the things that are against my family’s wishes. I’m scared of disappointing them. But how far can I sacrifice myself for their happiness? I don’t know.

I’m the nice, dutiful daughter who will do  what she  is told, and I’m scared that it would stay that way.

Day 28

I went to my patient’s wake today.  Well, two of then,  but I didn’t stay long in the other one because the other one is farther and I have to locate it. One of them is inside the hospital grounds,  while the other is in another military camp. 

I realized that old wounds can reopen, but it doesn’t hurt as much as they did back then.  I’m not sure why I keep on doing this— getting too close to the patient and their family, then mourning them. I know it’s human nature to get attached and everything and that it’s unhealthy to become detached and robotic, but I don’t think my heart can take that much.

I can’t help it, they have been nothing but nice to me. They are nice people,  I just don’t understand why they have to go to soon. It’s unfair.