California dreaming

I watched the sunlight dance on the wing of the plane, soft yellow beams moving in and out as the cloud figures flitted beside them without a care. It was fascinating, it was a welcome reprieve from the boredom induced by my 12 hour flight.

I was sleep deprived. My body ached from sitting down for hours,and I reek. I hated traveling this long.

After three movies and countless games of tetris, I was bored out of my wits, yet all I can see outside was dark sea of clouds. Endless, flat, dark things. There were no stars in that part of the sky.

Hours later, the pilot annouced our descent. I was filled with both regret and relief. Relief because I can finally take a bath. Regret because, I can never see you again (at least physically, I can still stalk you in social media, but that is beside the point).

This. This trip was the death of us. It was a finality brought about by timezones and miles of differences. I wanted to move out of my comfort zone, grow and see places, but you wanted me to stay. You wanted me to grow old with you, I know it is a romantic thing, but you wanted us to grow old in the same place, doing the same things with the same people. You wanted us to stagnate.

I would’ve loved to grow old with you, test the realness of forever with you. But I also want us to explore things, to get out of town and meet and do things with other people.

Asking you to do that for me is like asking Peter Pan to grow up. It was hopeless. So I chose to grow up, chose to leave our Neverland, and I chose to leave you.

It was warm outside the airport, yet I felt cold. It was like I never left our little town. I hated it. I had to remind myself that I was miles and miles away from you. That I chose this, and you didn’t choose me. 

LA was beautiful. It was exciting. It was nothing like our town. It was nothing like you.

I will have this new life without you here; here outside our proverbial Neverland. I would miss you, I would wish that you were here with me but I will never regret leaving you.

Someday, if ever you find the need to grow up, I will be waiting for you here.

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