Not a rom-com

Ours was not a rom-com movie, where we get to have dozens of second chances and serendipitous meetings. Ours was not like in those movies, where we wouldn’t care about the people we hurt just so we get our happy ending.

Unlike in those flicks, I would not hurt and leave the man who helped me rebuild myself just so you can destroy me again. Nor would I forgive you so easily, nor believe that you have changed just because you cried in front of me.

I am not a rom-com heroine, unlike them, I do not spend half the screen time fretting if you love me or not. I would not go back to you and forget my dreams even if you ran after me to the airport with a bouquet of roses and a letter full of apologies. Because, like them, I gave you a lot of chances, but unlike them I gave up.

I am not a manic-pixie girl, or any type of female tropes you see in films. I am a mixture of everything; a conglomeration of ingenue, manic-pixie, bitch, with a dash of something else. But in a way, I am like them: a strong independent woman who knows what she wants.

You are not a rom-com hero. Unlike them, you did not change for the better at the half of our story. Unlike them, you have missed all the climactic points where you change from being a selfish boy to a sensitive man. Unlike them, your character did not have any development.

We did not have our rom-com ending, the one with the tacky pop music and sappy lines, and it will never happen.

Maybe we just have not yet reached the end of our stories. Maybe we are just minor characters in our respective films and we haven’t met our love teams yet. I do not know for sure, but all I know is that this plot will never be ours.

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On writing

I noticed that some, if not most of my writings, are on the dark depressing side.  I am not sure if I should be alarmed by the tone of my writing but, I don’t know I just feel like it. Maybe because I only write when I am extremely emotional,  if that makes sense.  And usually what I am feeling is reflected on my writing. And lately all I am feeling is frustration and loneliness, hence the tone of my posts.

How it feels to be the single one in the group

All of your friends have finally found their “soulmates”, granted that there is the probability that they will break up and your single self will help them pick up the pieces, but as of now, they are happy and they are annoying the hell out of you.

You know they mean well, you know they just want you to be happy but sometimes you wish that they would actually listen to you when you say that you don’t want to be with somebody right now. All those times when they keep on matchmaking you with their significant others’ friends and you getting more and more disappointed with every succeeding introductions, you just want to tell them to stop “spreading the love” because honestly, you don’t want it right now. 

You do say it. Again and again but they will just smile and say,  “Oh, you will also find your soulmate, don’t worry, they’ll just pop out of nowhere when you least expect them to.”

But the thing is, you are not looking. You really are not, because you are focusing on trying to love yourself first and trying to get on with your career.  You tell them that, but they’ll just say that you need someone to help you rebuild yourself. But the thing is,  you don’t want another person to burn themselves so just you can be warm.

Sometimes they do get frustrated with the failed match making that they tell you that you are too picky, too particular. They just want to see you settled. You balk at the idea because you are only twenty and you won’t settle at twenty. Sure you may not be the best, but settling down is not an option when you know that there is an opportunity to find a better option.

You are happy for your friends,  really.  Although there are times that you feel a smidgen of envy. You know you should be happy for them, unconditionally happy.  But sometimes you want to have what they have, to feel important to another person as if you are the very air that they breathe. You want to be someone’s constant, yet you are also terrified of the idea.

There are also times when you miss your friends because most of their time is devoted to their significant others.  You would always be the third wheel, the awkward pseudo chaperone. It feels lonely sometimes, but you are okay with it.  There are also times that they bail on you just to be with their significant others. That, you are not okay with (although terms and conditions apply).  It irks you, but you know they are happy so you try to be too.

You know they just want to help you find the “one” and you know they mean well. But sometimes it is okay to tell your friends to stop meddling with your love life (or lack thereof) you are both happy in where you both are and you hope it stays that way.  You know they think that love would work for you because it worked for them. But it probably won’t at this moment.

So tell your friends that you you love them but they really need to stop with the matchmaking, to stop telling you to wait for that special person. You are fine on your own.  Sure, you may sound bitter to their lovesick ears but you are happy with your status as of the moment. And maybe, if and maybe when you have learn to love yourself, you will ask them for dates. But as of now,  no.

About me-ish

I’m impulsive. For example,  right now,  I  am waiting for the hospital that I applied in to call me.  I just had the interview last week and I am not sure when they will call me back,  so I applied in a BPO company. I still have my freelance transcribing job,  but im planning to quit it because im bored. 

The transcribing job isn’t really bad but,  I feel bad for not meeting the deadlines and my attention span unables me to listen to hour long lectures, while typing them. There is also the issue of my arms cramping,  but no biggie.

Also another example is starting this blog. This was done on an impulse,  and most of my posts are also done on an inpulse. Although I do have a lot of drafts on my phone. I started them, because an idea won’t get out of my mind,  then I stop halfway because I have exhausted that idea or it completely took on a different form that I don’t know it anymore and I am not happy with it.  I am rarely happy with my writings, to be honest. 

Maybe I am just restless because of my current joblessness. Because after going through nursing school for four years and adhering to this insanely packed schedule I am suddenly doing nothing, for almost a year now.  So maybe all this anxiety is because of that, but yeah. Here’s to hoping that I get a job soon.

Black Hole

I stared at the sky trying to count the stars that dotted it. One, two,  three, four. One,  two,  three, four. I always lost count at four. Are you looking at the sky too? Counting celestial bodies then losing count? I know they say that we probably share the same sky, which is not farfetched seeing that we lived in the same town. 

Say,  do you remember that time when we’re just lying down the grass, tracing patterns in the sky and making up our own constellations? You even said that our children will be named after them (the existing constellations).

It’s funny how we already built our future together. We drew our plans on the sky, using stars as guides. We smiled back then, because our future seems as bright as the stars,  our stars.

Funnier thing is,  we failed to realize that the stars we plotted on are probably dead.  It’s probably scientifically proven and we’re just not aware of it.  But yes, they maybe are dead.  Maybe that is why our plans fell through.

Four years. For four years we planned and dreamed. For four years we traced on dead stars. Then it was all ruined in four seconds.

I hope you had fun with her.

i love how the world is awash in pale yellow transitioning to a darker sepia. how the sun goes underneath the clouds to make way for the moon. how it tinges the sky in yellows and pinks and purples. how the city lights go on one by one. how they look like speckles from above the skyscraper.

i love the busy throng of people scampering to get home.