Seven minutes in heaven

You kissed him, but it felt wrong. You think maybe it’s just the technique; the depth, the tongue, the position of your lips. You try to deepen the kiss, try a different approach. Pull him nearer, grab his hair, let his hands roam your body. It still feels wrong.  Instead of feeling heady, you are more aware of how slimy his saliva is and how clammy his hands are. You can feel the heat radiating from his body, burning your skin in an unpleasant way.  You feel a heavy lead settle in your stomach,  and it’s not the pleasant one that you know, the one that you feel when you explore beneath your blankets at night.

You control your breathing. Hitched breaths between slow ones. You will yourself to like it, to feel at least a smidgen of heat. You should be ecstatic, you think, you like him after all and all your friends know it. That is why you will be in this closet for the next seven minutes.

When the seven minutes are up, he lets go of you then gave you one of his lopsided smile that you love so much. You smile back politely, go out of the closet before him, still feeling nothing.

Fourth

I really don’t know why I took up nursing, I mean, aside from my mother telling me to take it and my father being sick at the time. Ok, maybe it was out of necessity, but I can probably beg my mom, using trauma as an excuse to leave it and pursue another course (my dad died in my freshman year). I tried, although I didn’t use the trauma part. But since we already spent a fortune on my freshman year, it would be impractical to switch degree programs.

The mandatory summer during freshman year was hell. Literally. I was trying to recuperate emotionally and physically, it was hot, my schedule was packed, we have tons of shit to do, I have new classmates that I need to get along with. Fuck that summer.

The office job I was applying for didn’t push through, and my hospital training will start in August. So this means I will be stuck in the clinical setting. I am a bit anxious. I don’t really hate it, but I don’t want it either. I don’t know.

I am scared of needles. Terribly, terribly scare of it. And needles are like one of the most used things in the hospital, and I am scared of it. What a nurse I will be. But hey, I passed my licensure exam with flying colors, so I must be good at something, as long as it don’t involve needles.

Wish me luck, because I need it. Lots of it.

Waiting

I have been feeling frustrated with my job hunting lately. There are opportunities but I have to wait. They don’t just interview you then start on a Monday convenient for you.  You have to wait for months to be called back, then you take exams, have interviews, then you wait for them to call you back again because they are still to open the position. 

Well, if I applied in a private institution I would’ve been working for probably 7 months now. But I would pay for training and live on a meager salary with probably no overtime pay, and snotty patients, probably. The facilities would be way, way better than the public hospitals’, but some patients view you as the doctor’s assistant and not a professional with your own set of duties and responsibilities.

There is also this “I don’t know what I really want to do with my life” dilemma. Seeing that I never wanted to be a nurse in the first place, but apparently I am good at it so I keep on doing it. I am afraid that I will never be able to find what I really want, and that I will end up being a nurse for the rest of my working life. It’s not a bad thing per se, I am okay with helping people, especially the relatives of the sick in coping with the situation (because I’ve been there), but I just can’t imagine doing it forever.  I just never fell in love with it, I guess, unlike other people I know whose first choice isn’t nursing.

I did have a part time job teaching english to Chinese students. It was an online, home based job. I also tried transcribing.  Both did not turn out well, as I just felt bored and frustrated, for reasons I do not know. Maybe because I don’t really like what I was doing. It was depressing because I thought there is something wrong with me because I can’t stay long on a job.

Now, I am trying to wait as patiently as I can.  I will probably try to look for an interesting online job. 

Choices

I am a registered nurse, and I don’t want to work in a clinical setting. 

I know that confession may sound odd since nurses and clinical setups always go together, or at least the concept of a nurse working outside that setting is foreign to almost everyone.  Well, probably the BPO industry is an exception to this concept,  since nurses who can’t work in the hospital almost always go there.  But nurses can also work in a lot of areas outside the clinical, or patient care setting.  Like research, health program implementation, and military nursing. 

Even nurses are sometimes unaware of these career paths. Most of them usually go the well accepted path of working in well-known hospitals, who pays next to nothing but works you to the bone, for at least two years. Then they would spend a fortune just to work in another country. Just so they can earn more, and they can also petition their families to go there. 

Given that paradigm, I am expected to work in a clinical setting, because not doing so means wasting my four years of nursing education. But the thing is, I do not want to.  I never really wanted to be a nurse in the first place, then there is also the trauma from my father’s hospitalization. Not that he was treated badly, it’s just that watching someone die in a slow painful manner is really traumatic. And having that experience in my first year of nursing school is awful because as I progressed with my education, I learned more about my father’s disease and how it can be managed,  but it was too late because I can’t use that knowledge to save my father. I felt guilty for being useless. My psychology professor told me it’s not my fault,  but guilt creeps in from time to time and it’s hard to stop. 

I also don’t like working in the clinical setting because it depresses me. I hate seeing the patients suffer. Of course it makes me happy that I can help alleviate their sufferings, but there are just times when I know all my efforts are just for naught and it is really sad. There are also times when I cannot tolerate some situations. Like when we were rotated in the dialysis unit, I broke down. I know I should be in control of my emotions, and I should have dealt with the trauma years before that but… I had flashbacks and I almost didn’t function. There was also the time when my patient was dying, nobody told me he was,  I just knew. His BP was fluctuating, he was in a coma,  and his pupils are unequal; increased intra cranial pressure, I think.  I think I cried for at least 10 minutes.

I know nurses really go through those kind of things, dying patients, that is.  And I know that nursing school did not prepare us for those kinds of events. Actually no nursing book can prepare us for that.  I know nurses can get acclimated to that but I am not sure if I can, or if I can I don’t know how long.

So now, I applied for an office job, I want to take it but, my godmother recommended me in this good tertiary hospital and it’s kind of hard to refuse because it’s a favor. And I am confused.
Maybe the interviewer was right, people my age are still confused.  The young is perpetually restless.