Day 24

My family isn’t really the warm and nurturing type.  It’s not soap opera dysfunctional, don’t get me wrong. It’s just that we profess our love in sarcasms and veiled insults.

My parents are subtly manipulative, they can talk you into doing things, especially if you’re highly suggestible,  like me. For example they talked me into taking nursing, I wanted a different course,  but they convinced me that taking this path will be good for our family. Also that I sucked at math,  so computer science is out of the question, they are saving me from a bad thing —math. 

Don’t get me wrong, I do love my parents,  and I know they mean well.  It’s just that sometimes I want them to really listen to what I really want. I just wish they’d stop punching holes in my dreams. Making me feel that I am not good enough for them.  I just wish that they can stop making me feel like I’m just a pawn in their plans.

Maybe it’s why I am not happy in my chosen (their chosen) career. Don’t get me wrong, I am content, I love the patients, I’m just never happy.

Day 21

My OJT in the other hospital is over and I think I will be hired soon.  All thanks to my godmother. I don’t want it to be too soon, I still want to finish my training in my current hospital but I need to be practical. I need the money. 

I will miss my colleagues. My seniors have been really nice to me, and I learned a lot from them.

Let’s just see what happens. 

P.S. mood has been stable.  Still up for career change, though not depressed about current situation anymore. 

Day 20

I was in for an interview at the other hospital yesterday and I am supposed to work there for a week as part of the evaluation. I am sort of anxious. I want to finish my residency in my current hospital as I am getting attached to the people there,  although this is too good an opportunity to miss out on.  I mean I would get paid here, and it is not a contractual position, and it is a tertiary hospital. But then again, it is a government hospital, so I probably won’t get hired until next year, hopefully February.

I am also interested in this other hospital because I sort of asked to be put in research. I sort of like research,  I just hated it in college because of my group mate. So there.

I just feel out of it because I am already used to this institution, I have already adjusted, then suddenly I will be dealing with a new set of people and new set of rules.

It will just be for a week anyway.  Then I will be back to my ward.

Also, update. My patient has been steadily improving and it makes me happy. On the flip side though, one of our patients returned after 2 weeks, he went home against medical advice and now he is back and he is worse than before.

Day 14

A patient died yesterday. I am oddly okay about it, which is good, you know, in the grand scheme of things but that day I felt disconnected from myself, like I was watching a different version of myself who is nonchalant about that death, like it will just be another number or a name or a statistic.

I was monitoring him closely. I know the patient is going to die sooner or later, it was inevitable. I don’t blame myself anymore for things beyond my control. I used to do that —even the most remote, irrelevant thing I somehow blame it on myself, as if my own existence is at fault for such tragedy.

I will be on night duty today, so yeah. Need to get ready and stuff.

Day 13

I have been working for 21days already
—roughly 180 hours, if those extra hours are taken into account. I learned a lot of things this month; things necessary to this profession, and things about myself like:
1. I’m still up for a career change. I still don’t like nursing that much.
2. I get easily attached to people.
3. I still don’t know what I’m doing most of the time.
4. I don’t have that much flashbacks now. Maybe because it’s a different hospital.
5. I have a thing for guys with deep husky voices.
6. It takes about 5 days before I have a melt down due to fatigue.
7.  I managed to hate only one person. A personal record really as I’m apt to hate everyone on sight. Misanthrope that I am.

I had my last graveyard shift today, and I’m tired as fuck. I hate this week basically, my sleep pattern has been so fucked up because I have been displaced on both morning and afternoon shifts. I almost cried today because I forgot to note my patient’s TPN line, and the nurse from the morning shift asked me about it. I didn’t get scolded, just got told to not do it again in a nice manner. And I almost cried. Hello melt down. Good thing I’m off today.

I will be on the morning shift this month, hella toxic so wish me luck.

Day12

My mind works in a weird way. I was sexually harassed yesterday by a patient, he touched my breast while I was giving his IV meds. The weird thing is I know it happened but now I feel like it didn’t. Or at least my mind denies it. I don’t know.

I was telling it earlier to the staff and I was sort of smiling-laughing while I’m saying it. It just sounded ridiculous to me. Like that thing cannot possibly happen. It can’t.

It’s not really my first time being harrased like that. But same as what happened now, my mind refuses to acknowledge that it happened in reality. When I remember what happened, I feel like the me back then is separate from the me right now. It’s like I’m watching a film version of myself, a fictional version of myself.

I know it’s not the healthiest coping mechanism. Maybe my mind is still reeling from the incident that it chose to deny everything just to not throw up or get hurt. But I know that it happened because it also happened to the other staff so it’s not an isolated case. And I knew that it was not an isolated case because I told them about what happened to me before telling me that did also happen to them.

Good thing is, they’re going to report the patient.

Day 11

I don’t really recommend wearing pumps during your duty. If you did it by choice, then you’re an idiot, but if you’re like me, unlucky, I feel your pain honey.
My shoes got ruined mere minutes before I go out of the house. I tried to buy those rubber plastic shoes from the supermarket but they don’t have my size. So I was stuck wearing pumps that I haven’t worn for a year. My feet hurt so bad, considering that I have a high pain tolerance. Good thing some staff left their plastic shoes there and I was able to borrow it, hygiene be damned.

Duty today was toxic. I did the IV meds, bgm, insulin, and the IV flow sheet and some bedside thingy. I’m kind of annoyed with the nurse on duty. It’s not my shift so I don’t really know the flow that well. And I think I did almost everything, and I’m not sure if I’m inefficient that’s why I felt so swamped or she did not help me at all.

Shit still overwhelms me.