Mood’s gradually turning sour. I’m restless as of late, maybe because I am not sure what I want to do after this training. I’m still waiting for the other hospital to call me, and the offer to enter the military is still there—and I still want to, but my mom won’t let me. I don’t know what to do.
The only thing I’m sure of is, that I don’t want to be a nurse anymore. I’m not cut for this job. It’s draining me. I know that any type of job is tiring, but even more so of you’re trying so hard to suppress emotions and memories.
I want to quit so bad.
I only have two months left in this OJT gig, and I’m sort of excited and anxious at the same time. I don’t know when I’ll be hired at that other hospital, so I don’t know if I’ll have a vacation or something. I want to have a vacation to be honest, at least for 2 weeks.
My mood has been okay as of late. I still have moments where I remember times from when my father was hospitalized but I am getting better at suppressing emotions. You need to keep your head during emergencies, especially because emotions are running high among the relatives. You can’t really cry with them because they need to see someone who they can rely on.
I have one co-trainee, she’s nice but sometimes she’s not thinking. We have a patient whose son is cute (he’s 10) she wanted to have a photo with him so we can show it to our other colleagues. Nothing wrong with that, only problem was, his dad got intubated. There was also one instance when we were checking a patient and she told me (she thought she was whispering) that the patient looked bad, dying, problem was the relatives are around us. I told her off, I felt bad about it but she deserves it.