Mood has been stable lately, but my fear of blood and needles has resurfaced. Maybe because it’s almost my dad’s birthday, so I remember things from before: the constant bleeding, the stench of old blood, the smell of dialysate, etc.
I am happy as of late, and it scares me. I am scared that one day I just won’t feel happy anymore, that everything will fall apart and I would be left as empty as I was before.
I’m tired of being the perfect, dutiful daughter. I’m tired of losing myself just to please my family. I’m tired of it all.
I feel like I don’t know myself anymore. I feel like I should run away from my family just so I can find myself.
I’m tired but I can’t do the things that are against my family’s wishes. I’m scared of disappointing them. But how far can I sacrifice myself for their happiness? I don’t know.
I’m the nice, dutiful daughter who will do what she is told, and I’m scared that it would stay that way.
I went to my patient’s wake today. Well, two of then, but I didn’t stay long in the other one because the other one is farther and I have to locate it. One of them is inside the hospital grounds, while the other is in another military camp.
I realized that old wounds can reopen, but it doesn’t hurt as much as they did back then. I’m not sure why I keep on doing this— getting too close to the patient and their family, then mourning them. I know it’s human nature to get attached and everything and that it’s unhealthy to become detached and robotic, but I don’t think my heart can take that much.
I can’t help it, they have been nothing but nice to me. They are nice people, I just don’t understand why they have to go to soon. It’s unfair.