Day 18

I sometimes have this thought, this idea that everybody hates me. I know it is absurd because I haven’t done anything that is worthy of hatred, and I try to be affable. But sometimes the idea takes root and grows, I try to cut it, pull it, again and again but like a weed it comes back again, and again, and again.

I know this is probably just me projecting my feelings of self hate to others. This usually follows my constant feelings of inadequacy. I am not really aiming to be the best but I try to do my job efficiently. But as always I always feel like I fell short, like I am always almost good, like I am one step away from perfect.

I know it is absurd,  I can never be perfect because there is always room for improvement. I know it is absurd because I am a novice, and no one is expecting me to know all the tricks of the trade. I know it is absurd because I am young and inexperienced, and no one is expecting me to be as wise as those who are in this trade longer than I am.

But it’s hard to run away from your own mind. It’s hard to ignore your mind screaming how inadequate and incompetent you are. It’s hard to simultaneously mind and not mind whether people hate you or not.

To be honest though, you don’t mind if people hate you, as long as you don’t like them back.

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