Off today. Last shift was hectic, there were a bunch of emergencies so some staff wasn’t around and they have to pull someone out from another ward. I was in charge of the medications, fucking toxic but I’m used to it by now. The nurse was really good and she’s nice and she’s also pretty, I like her (fangirling). She gave me bandage scissors but I let my co-trainee from the morning shift borrow it. I hope she’ll return it to me.
I was complaining earlier about how toxic last night was and brother told me to suck it up because I wanted it. Told him that no, it was my mother’s wanting and I wanted a career in computer science anyway. Mother then told me to shut up and just work with what I already have. I know I sound like an ungrateful child for blaming her when she sacrificed so much just to put me to school. I just don’t feel like I’m going to be happy in this profession.
It’s kind of funny actually, in a twisted kind of way. I am a somewhat competent nurse, (somewhat because I’m still new and in Benner’s theory I’m categorized as a novice) the patients like me, I like them, I like the staff, I do what I have to do to the best of my capabilities, I topped in my board exams (just 10th but at least), I came from one of the best nursing school, but all I ever wanted was to be something else.
I’m probably one of the few who wants to fail so badly at something but yet, did not. I don’t know if I should happy about it or no, I mean it shows that I’m smart (now I’m just bragging) and capable but it’s not something that I really want to do.