I used to think that I would have my quarterlife crisis at the age of 25. Why? Because in monetary terms, a quarter is a 25. I know it is a stupid kind of reasoning, but it made sense to me, and I was pretty sure any younger than that was– well, I was pretty sure I would still have 5 years before going into that slump but I was wrong, so terribly wrong.
On paper I shouldn’t have an excuse to have such crisis; I topped my board exams, I recently got a home-based part time job while waiting for a call from the hospital I applied to.
It sucks because I excelled in a profession I don’t like, and that I’m getting a job through my mother’s connections. I know it sounds cushy and all, but it makes me feel conflicted. I should be happy teaching english to chinese kids, but I haven’t yet due to technical difficulties, and that I’m stalling and using those technical problems as an excuse. I only told people that I took the part time job so I couldn’t bail, or at least paint myself as a fucking grown up.
When I was in college, I was so excited to graduate and tackle the real world. Now that I’m here, I feel lost. It’s probably how Benjamin Braddock felt in The Graduate, sans the Mrs. Robinson part.
I miss school, I miss the rigidity of my schedule, the habits I had, the constant flow of exams and paperworks, the neverending flow of cortisol, the whining and the bitching about anything and everything academically related. I miss the safety net that the academe provided.
I took a vacation after school, those three months in California was like a dream. When I was in there, everything sounded possible. I just need to get an employer to petition me for a working visa then pass papers to the board of nursing so I can take the NCLEX, pass the NCLEX and get a job at a hospital, then save enough money so I can move out of my aunt’s house. Everything was so simple on paper, but in real life, it is almost improbable. Because, one, I only hold a tourist visa, two, the board already denied someone from my batch because of unmet requirements, and three, since I only hold a tourist visa I don’t have (and won’t have) a social security number which leads to, four, the board not processing my papers. Now that I am back in my country, I realized all flaws in my plans and I want to smack my past self on the head for filling her mind with those stupid thoughts. It wasn’t me, it goes against my usual logic.
When I got back home, I forgot the idea of going back to California immediately. I was offered to apply as a military nurse, I was tempted; the pay and the benefits were good, but I don’t think my mother would be happy to see me come home inside a box. So I declined, but I still think about the what ifs if I chose that path.
I know I should feel content. I graduated on time, I have good credentials, I have possible jobs waiting but instead I feel lost, conflicted and alone.
This is not due to the fact that I am perpetually single, my lack of romantic relations don’t really bother me. It’s not that kind of alone. It’s the kind of alone that is making me vent this out on the internet where nobody knows me instead of confiding in my friends.