She never liked her profession. Nursing was, at least for her, not as noble as other people painted it to be. Maybe because she never believed in salvation and afterlife that she never saw taking care of the sick and dying people as a transcendental experience. One that is necessary for her soul in order to ascend to heaven. She never was deep in the first place. She only view philosophy as a veneer of sentimental tripe people used to hide their more selfish nature.

She thinks that you have to be a bit sadistic to be able to watch people writhe in pain on a daily basis. Wanting to hold their hand and muttering lukewarm platitudes while watching them slowly fall apart is only a paltry compensation for thanking whatever deity that decided that it shouldn’t be you suffering in their stead, or at least that is how she sees it.

Perhaps it is just the cynic in her talking, or maybe she is just downright mean. She never thought that anybody would want to become a nurse because it is a noble and selfless profession (this is in line with her view that selflessness is nonexistent). She always assumed that people did it for the financial compensation and the opportunity to move to a more economically stable country. Maybe she is one of those people  that she applied this kind of thinking to everyone; categorizing people makes it easier for her to hate them.

Sometimes she berates herself for such thoughts. People would think that since she came from a staunchly Catholic institution in a very Catholic third world country, that she would view caring for the sick and dying as a Catholic virtue, or a challenge or a fate given to her by God to prove her soul’s worth for a ticket to the pearly gates of afterlife. But no, she views this as a penance, a punishment for her past sins. Probably she was an executioner, or a torturer of some sorts in her past life, that she is now doomed to watch her tortured soul reflected in the eyes of her patients.

It never occurred to her why the fates would let a jaded, callous human being like her take care of people. It was an oddity that she mulled over again and again. She would try to escape it eventually, but for now she’ll just scream internally while flashing a sympathetic smile to her next patient.

I was re reading all my crap here and this do sound a little bit too dramatic. What was I thinking, I do not know. Although this is more fiction rather than my own thoughts


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